permission to grieve

everyone has their own story.

this is mine.

364 days out of the year i try not to define myself by my past. i'm strong and move forward. i try to see the positive side. i focus on a plethora of blessings. i try to live forgiveness and i try to grow. it's not always easy, but usually it's relatively doable.

but there's always that one day.

and it always hits me like a ton of bricks.

and i always seem to forget that it's going to hit me like a ton of bricks.


sometimes i'm just flat out cranky. sometimes sad. sometimes bitter. sometimes i have no words. sometimes i pretend i'm great. sometimes i feel rejected. sometimes i feel forgotten. sometimes i cry. sometimes i hold it in. sometimes i want to drive off. sometimes i want to drink. sometimes i want to forget. sometimes i just want to sit in silence. sometimes i want to be alone. sometimes i feel alone. sometimes i want to be surrounded by my friends. sometimes i wish things had been different. sometimes i want to scream. sometimes i want to run. sometimes i get anxious. sometimes i panic. sometimes i ignore it. sometimes i feel guilty. sometimes i feel selfish.

what i realized this year... is that even if i can make it through the one day... if i don't let myself feel all the feels there are to feel (also known as grieving)... it'll still come bite me in the butt days or weeks later. i can't escape it.

and i've decided it's time to stop trying to escape... stop trying to be strong. stop trying to act like it doesn't effect me. it's time to give myself permission to grieve and simply let another layer of the wound be exposed... so it can heal.

the specifics don't matter. i'm sure many, if not all of us, have a day, or an experience, or an event, or a person that we have to deal with every so often. and i hope you can give yourself permission to work through it however you  need to work through it. i hope you can face it head on and let yourself be vulnerable to the pain AND the healing.

and that's all i have to say about that.

the latest

phew, just checked the date of my last post and was glad it hadn't quite been a month yet. just 3 weeks. technically i have a post that i started the very next day... and then a bunch of stuff kicked into gear aaaand here we are.

so just a quick review of the last three weeks. it's basically been day after day after day of cleaning the house and not really doing a lot of anything because you wanna be ready to leave if you get a phone to show the house.

we've also been busy selling stuff that wont fit or work well in our different space. and technically we should have already been in the new house by now and had a nice empty house to show with cleaned carpets instead of a half decorated, half organized, half packed, half a house of weird-not-matching-things going on. i can't even put it into proper words and sentences.

anyways. a few plans have changed since last we met. but let me catch you up on specifics since some people seem to enjoy that kind of stuff. we've sold our couch and loveseat, two twin beds, our entire queen bedroom suite, school desks (we had six in the house. six. really? we have four kids. and really we could do with two since we need places to put school laptops, but anyways, bye bye desks), a round table from the school room... silliness. i mean, i'm not schooling 10 children here, why so many desks and tables? um what else... a bench, tv trays and oh yeah ANOTHER table (like a little indoor picnic table). aye aye aye. oh we still need to sell a desk that we've been using as an entertainment center. whew.

thanks to a plethora of garage sale type facebook groups, i haven't actually had to deal with having a garage sale. awh yeah.

so all those things have been sold at a decent price and the funds used to replace it all with the following:

• a slightly smaller, sleeker couch (on sale at the furniture store. awh yeah. i wanted to find one resale but everyone's pretty much just selling the bulky kind we just got rid of) 
• a smaller, simpler desk that will replace the current bigger desk/entertainment center (resale facebook group)
• 3 twin mattresses (decent price at Sam's club) and dave and i have moved down the the full sized bed that was micah's and double as a guest bed 

• to match the colors in the new house we bought new sheets for everyone. sam also got a new comforter and i purchased a new quilt and sheets for our bed since the queen sized stuff obviously wont fit (and i didn't want dave having to sleep in the shabby chic floral stuff micah had)

• a new rug (since we will have hardwood floors, and the coffee table will serve as school desk area, i figured we outta buy a somewhat decent rug). which reminds me, i guess we can give away the previous rug since it was given to us.

• two chairs from a local resale shop (i tried to look up the type... one is basically called a vintage midcentury modern chair... huh? and the other i dunno. i dont really care. all i care is that i got TWO chairs for the price of... well like HALF of a new chair!)

• 3 retro suitcases (local thrift shops)

• a few (ok FIVE... i guess i have a thing for tables) of the super simple but colorful Lack tables from ikea. 1 for each of the girls to have in their room to place their retro suitcase "vanity" on and serve as a desk when needed... and two to use as a very inexpensive split coffee table (i don't know if that's what you call it, but that's what i'm calling it). i WAS going to drive to ikea this weekend, but it was cheaper to have it shipped than spend on gas as well as all the other stuff (aka non-essential junk) i would've unintentionally carried out of the store.

• and i still have enough from what we've sold to get paint for the house, an end table to go between the chairs (resale of course), and a cheap but somewhat decent rug for our bedroom, and probably a couple more of the Lack side tables since we dont have nightstands anymore... but we gotta wait to see what space is left once we move in... more waiting. sigh.

ok that was probably way too detailed... oh well.

i really have tried to be very mindful of everything i'm looking at and purchasing. and i still face the temptation to get things that will "look great" and "go perfect" but if it's not on the list then i just gotta remind myself not to get it. right now i absolutely need to focus on the absolute essentials (and even that's been pretty lax... new sheets aren't essential.xbut you gotta decide what you gotta decide and you gotta be content with your decision and i am. content.

and a bit stressed. not gonna candy-coat it... its not easy planning so much ahead and making countless trips to stores and spending numerous hours online to find the best deals and comparing quality with affordability and necessity and so on.

the hardest part really is that I am SO ready to BE in the new house and to put what we do have where it will go and to stand in the middle of the room and smile and think to myself ,"...ahhh" and "thank you Lord". and i am SO ready for colorful walls and rooms!!

"A home filled with only the things you love or use is a home you will truly love to use." -J. Baker

... that's my goal right now in all this planning and selling and purchasing... keep and/or get the things that are essential and efficient and in the colors that we love... and let go of the rest.