a conundrum. a confirmation. a challenge.

A CONUNDRUM.
Sometime last summer, our family went to a local splash park. It's the newest and promises to be the biggest park complex of our little city. It's technically in the south part of town, but it doesn't "feel" like the south part of town. and if you dont live in Longview, then you may not understand that everything south of Hwy 80 is just not as... desirable. Ya know... you don't forget to lock your cars... and there are certain streets you just don't even drive down.... and houses are smaller and older... and the ratio of pimped up cars to minivans is the exact opposite of the north side of town. but really, i grew up in Houston. (yeah the 4th largest city in the U.S)... So to me Longview is just a little bump in the road/ Main Street town (which i love btw way) and the differences between north and south longview aren't anywhere near the range of differences in H-town.

back to last summer though, we visited the splash park and it happened to be at a later time of day (most often I would meet other moms and kids at the park during the morning or afternoon hours) but this time it was after work and the hubs came along.

i'm not usually surprised by much, but i was pretty surprised that night. it was like walking into a completely different place. it was like walking into a park in south Longview (as terrible as that sounds). the whole atmosphere was different. families were different in their attitude and treatment of one another and a million other things

and the whole time i just kept trying to think of a way to connect with someone, anyone. and i was completely blank. (and embarrassed and disappointed that i was blank) not that there was much opportunity to get a word in edge wise between all the yelling and boisterous banter. i couldn't even think of anything to comment on or ask about... it was... it was so foreign to me... honestly it was like culture shock (and i've visited other cultures and i've grown up in ghetto schools, i shouldn't have felt that). And the kids... the kids who are usually such a great way to segway into the adults... they were just plain rude. and the parents seemed to have such little regard for their children anyways that even the sincerest of compliments about their kids wouldve been scoffed at and laughed off.

over the next few days i just couldn't get over how i just had NO CLUE how to make a connection. and i realized that it was because i had no 1st hand understanding of how these folks live, or what they deal with, or have been through, or were raised, or anything (other than the older woman telling her children they needed to go to church; gotta love grandmas).

fyi: my mind runs through a crazy progession of thoughts in an insanely unexplainable fashion.. so to sum up part of that... my thoughts, with numerous stops in between, went from: asking how to make a connection in order to make an impact... to: once in a while outreaches are stupid and dont really do much or make a lasting impact (at least the ones i've been involved in)... to: well who would want to connect with me when i live across town... to: we'll just have to live in the same community in order to connect.

and thus began the thought process and the path toward moving further south.

really our house moving plans have been three fold: to cut down our mortgage (sorta explained HERE), to downsize, and to move into south longview. and surpisingly the reactions haven't been that extreme at all when i mention to people who ask that the house we're so excited about is in south Longview... but i can tell there's at least an ounce of...

...running through their minds. its ok. i knows we're crayzee.

A CONFIRMATION.
today the big splash park was closed for construction (adding more of the next phase), but we didn't know that until we drove up and we were ready for some water fun. i couldnt' remember where the other "north-sided" splash park was, but i knew about one in south longview that we had been to once before for a homeschool park day a few years ago. and the closer we got... well pretty much i just kept hoping we weren't going to interrupt any drug deals. haha... no seriously.

fortunately there was a family there... or at least 2 kids with a group of adults... that pulled up moments after us. within seconds all the kids were joyfully playing together. the two kids were super sweet and polite (which i have to say was surprising since the women of the group that they were somehow related to, were walking around very loudly fussing about "mother-f this and mother-f that"). and based on all the other vehicles and groups that pulled in and out during that hour, our little family stuck out like a sore thumb (but i have to admit that having a spraypainted van and a couple tatts helped me feel a leeeeetle bit more confident that i could maybe blend in a little... at least enough to keep from getting us killed... haha... no seriously). but we did what we could to just.. well... be ourselves. sharing towels with the kiddos and just ya know, just being there. this is where the "confirmation" came that the kids really are the best way to connect... they're simply more open, and have fewer assumptions towards other kids. reach the kids and you'll reach the parents.

A CHALLENGE.
so this evening my thoughts have turned to how shall we prepare the kids for the "world" they're about to enter. i didn't point out the mistreatment or the foul language of the other adults towards each other today, but it'll have to be discussed. What did they hear? what did they see? how did they feel about that? what do we do about it?  and then also trying to discover the right way, or shall i say, the biblical perspective of safety.. (ya gots to have street smarts). i don't want to raise "safe and scared" kids. i want to raise adventurers who take risks for the right reasons. who don't cling to their own lives but lay it down for others. and i don't want them to be afraid of what "might" happen, i want them to trust that every moment the Lord will lead them in wisdom and love and self sacrifice. i want them to go to hard places and do hard things. and i want them prepared and equipped.

ultimately this whole thing is bigger than me and my blank brain, bigger than the kids and their future everything, bigger than our soon to be house (situated in one of the nice "pockets" of south longview), bigger than our lives and the air we breathe... and knowing that makes it seem a little less... scary... cause it's not just us or about us. but most importantly, it reveals how desperately we must trust in the Spirit's leading and lean on the truth of God's word and follow the example that Christ set for us in order to take even just one tiny step in this journey.

It's Hard to Explain

Pretty sure that this will be the fourth time I have written this post... er, re-written.

it's almost like when you have a dream and then you attempt to actually vocalize it and you just can't get it to make sense, or you just can't seem to paint a proper picture of what you saw and you sorta wish you hadn't really tried to explain the whole thing. like that. that's a bit how i feel right now, but i keep getting asked the question and so i'm going to do my best to very simply answer it. {my problem is that i like to anticipate what responses or questions might arise and try to address those, but since this is my fourth or fifth attempt, i'm just going to go with simple and I'm sure by the end I'll be wondering why in the world this has taken so long. oh well}.

so...

...we have a nice house in a nice neighborhood and we have plenty of room and many wonderful things to fill those rooms with.

*now insert 4 years of radical books, mission trips, intense bible studies, discussions with friends, and so on... right... about... here*

...but another way of looking at it is that we have a lot of stuff. and it just keeps growing and we keep cramming and storing and organizing and we're pretty much done with that whole thing.

...and we pretty much wanna use our resources on less stuff and live to be more people focused. locally and globally.

so...

...we've decided to buy a smaller house {really it's still huge by comparison to the rest of the world who often fills one room with an entire family, but it's the step we're taking for now}.

...and we're hoping that by getting a smaller house we will force ourselves to de-own and reduce our stuff and stress and all that...

...and by doing so we can hopefully have more resources available for that "people focus" thing i mentioned above.

it's been an adventure to say the least. my theme song has been "let it go". i grab an item as i sift through a drawer or closet or pile and ask myself if I need/use it or love it? if the answer is no, but i still hesitate getting rid of it, i sing "let it gooo, let it gooo" and quickly place it in the give bag or the trash bag. some stuff has been easier than other stuff. and i'm ok with that although it is a little embarrassing. but we've really tried to take this whole process with a posture of learning and growing. we pause and talk through things with the kids (sometimes not so beautifully because i'm dealing with my own sentimental attachments) but at the end of the day, we know it's all worth it and we're doing our best to place our complete trust in the Giver of all good things, and know that as we lighten our own material burden, we'll make ourselves more available to give more, and do more, and learn more, and grow more, and love more, and so on.

it really has been quite exciting. and challenging.

so that's it in a nutshell... my little explanation of our current path of life. :)

someone once said

"It is an anomaly of modern life that many find giving to be a burden. Such persons have omitted a preliminary giving. If one first gives himself to the Lord, all other giving is easy." — John S. Bonnell

found this qoute this morning and thought it was reaffirming to what i wrote in my last blog post.

here are a couple more good ones...

"I believe with all of my heart that God's people possess God's provision to accomplish and fulfill God's purposes in the world." — Joel Vestal

"There cannot be a surer rule, nor a stronger exhortation to the observance of it, than when we are taught that all the endowments which we possess are divine deposits entrusted to us for the very purpose of being distributed for the good of our neighbour." — John Calvin

"There are many hearing me who now know well that they are not Christians because they do not love to give. To give largely and liberally, not grudging at all, requires a new heart." — Robert Murray McCheyne

these quotes and other resources were found at this link 

The root of the fruit.

Wow.

Literally, wow. Thats my response to a sermon we just listened to online.

I appreciate pastors who are willing to be vulnerable, to do hard things, to ask tough questions, to challenge himself and his congregation.

Last year dave went to Nepal with Mountain Child. Just a couple weeks ago david platt went on a similar trip with Mountain Child. Then he delivered a sermon at his home church sharing his experiences and asking some direct questions of the congregation that basically require action or inacation as the response.

I'd reccomend watching/listening to it yourself for deeper/further understanding of these questions, but to summarize he asked if we will choose comfort or the cross? will we settle for maintenance or sacrifice for mission? will we be marked by indecisive minds or undivided hearts?

On a bit of a side note, but... not really... our church has been talking about generosity and giving and going through Andy Stanley's book "How to be Rich"... which is great. Believe me, im excited that this is being talked about. Dave and i were asked to give a little testimony of... well... giving. Our journey of giving and sorta connecting the points made in the book. Which is a bit awkward and embarrasing, but more than that its almost impossible to do rightly.

Heres how i picture it: giving, serving, ministering, sacrificing, worshipping, fasting, praying, and so on are all just different branches on a tree, all hopefully bearing good fruit, but perhaps some are in the process of being pruned, or being grafted in, or maybe withering from neglect, etc... different and yet they all stem from one place, they are all rooted in one thing.

So to simply describe any fruit on a branch, is kinda pointless if you dont explain what its all rooted in. You may listen to a speaker tell you how she exercises and eats all organic and avoids processed foods, but most likely only a moment of motivation will come along as opposed to actual transformation unless you really understand and connect with WHY she lives this way and WHY you should as well. Likewise, we can get up and share where we give, what we give, how we give, who we give to... but if folks dont first understand WHY we give, then we're just describing a snapshot of something and not actually teaching or challenging anyone to cultivate the growth of this particular area.

In this case, the questions that platt asked in his last sermon, start to point at the root of the matter of giving because the branch will not bear good fruit if it isnt rightly rooted in, so really, we have to focus on the root; the fruit is only a small indicator of the health of the branch and its roots. And yes, this isnt just about giving money, however, what and where you spend your money is a really good indicator of what you value more. Time is another indicator fruit. And there are others.

So what do you value more, the cross or comfort? Others or yourself? Safety or obedience? If you are rooted in the cross and others and obedience... deciding whether or not to give isnt even an issue. Why? because you have already given everything to Christ. You have already submitted to his ways and recognized that everything is the Father's to begin with, and giving is simply a matter of following (or obeying) where and what and to whom and how much the Spirit leads. And you cant help but give it joyfully and freely because its nothing compared to the endless love and majesty and beauty and holiness and faithfulness and power and might and righteousness and forgiveness of the Creator of all good things. Your comfort, your life, your wants, you, you, you, you, you... have already been placed on the cross. You're dead. And Death isnt halfway. Its final. Its irreversable in your own power. When you choose to follow Christ, you are choosing death. But then HE ressurects you to new life and then you bear HIS name and you carry HIS light and you walk in HIS power and authority you share HIS life and you give HIS good things and you go to serve and love HIS children and you get to know HIS heart and HIS ways more and more.

We've set a date.

So i've had the priviledge of traveling to India FOUR times in the last two and a half years. Each trip has been completely different. different people. different experiences. but the same beautiful children and staff of Asha House Home for children. The Hubbs was able to join me on this last trip, but all the while my four beautiful children have had to wave goodbye to their mama for days on end.

after this last trip everyone has been asking when i'm going back or when the next team is going. I basically haven't answered because i honestly didn't know. at this point i've taken 11 other people and it's time now to focus on my family.

my hope is that the folks i've taken will now take their own groups, or even just return on their own.

that doesn't mean i'll stop going. no way, no how, buddy.

all it means is that i couldn't plan another trip until i figured out when i could take my kids. the asha house kids have asked for them to come. the staff have asked for them to come. and quite frankly, they've been wanting and ready to go.

so a couple weeks ago i calculated what it would cost to get all their passports and visas, and the cost of flights and expenses for all of us...picked a time of year when the weather is a little bit more mild/manageable since they are young and the stress of travel, a different environment and different food will be challenge enough.

and... we've set the date.

March and April 2015.

The kids and I (and the hubbs for a few days) will go to India and spend about six weeks with our friends. ah, the beauty and freedom of homeschool.

the preparation process officially began yesterday as we stopped at the courthouse to get a copy of one of the kiddos birth certificate (for some reason we just never got hers).

1 step down. 50 more to go. (i'm guesstimating)

Peacocks Everywhere

The story goes...

went to a christmas party.
participated in a white elephant gift exchange.
had the peacock mug stolen from me.
there were many tears.

not really.
ok maybe just a few.

I found out where the mug came from, so a few weeks later I ventured to the wonderful world of TJ Maxx (I always feel like I'm on a fun scavenger hunt when I go there, always sure to find some remarkable little jewel in the middle of the slight chaos). The same exact mug wasn't there any more but what I did find was an entire line of peacock beautiful-ness. Mugs, plates, boxes, journals. I ended up creating a box of goodies for a friend because I could think of no better gift for someone than the stuff of such beauty. Of course nothing will ever really suffice to thank them for caring for our children while my husband and I were both in India over Christmas. but I can try.

anyways, I did snag myself a mug with a beautiful peacock on it.

then maybe a week or two later we decided to stop in again. I think I was contemplating buying a second beautiful mug. I drink a lot of tea. That's my excuse for my mug addiction.

and i found this journal/notebook.

i mean it was just, well, loook at it! (I know. its an illness.) and the paper inside was a beautiful blue. i mean, seriously?!


so it took me days to figure out what in the world i would even put in such a beautiful notebook. i mean, this is NOT a grocery store list kind of notebook. this is special. this is worth keeping around for a long long time.

then i knew there was only one purpose for this beauty.

prayer. it would be my prayer journal. i could envision it all... tears would be shed. there would be special moments, frustrating moments, confusing moments, exciting moments, vulnerable moments... between me and the creator of the universe and they would be recorded on these beautiful blue pages. the needs of others, family and friends who i can't live without, would be written in these pages as i make my feeble attempt to lay them before the throne of God. I would want these pages to be worn because I would have used it so much. i would want to see tear-stained {and maybe even a few tea-stained) pages. and i wouldn't mind a few random scribbles from the kids as well. i don't need a journal to pray, but i want a record. i would want to look back and see the Lord's hand at work through the years.

I've never had a prayer journal.
i dream big don't I?!

obviously it won't all be magical. this ain't disney folks. prayer isn't magic. prayer is dirty. and hard. and challenging. and beautiful all at the same time. (kinda like India) sometimes it's like trudging through the mud {have you ever actually walked through mud, your shoes get left behind, because the mud won't let you go. its rough. and a little scary.}sometimes' it's like resting in a grassy field ona sunny breezy day. i know days will come when i'll "forget" to reach for my beautiful journal. and then days will have passed and i'll have to look for it and will find it sitting under a pile of junk.

so that was a few weeks ago. it's taken me a few weeks to start it {mostly cause I'm an organizer and I like to plan}... mostly because I didn't know where to start. and finally last night I dove in. I started listing names and places and needs. it's not perfectly organized. it's not perfectly written. but it's me. it's what and who i love most on blue pages. and it's a start.

The Name Game

So the fun began when I had to find a new address for this new blog and of course that means a new name. I was trying to think of a name that was creative but not too cheesy, something more general or universal since sometimes blogs are so focused on one thing that it's hard to branch out into something else... and I'm pretty much all over the place so I didn't want to restrict myself to just one thing.

I started to play around with my name and looked up the meaning again, which I've always known as "God is my Judge" or "arbiter"... well that's cool but not catchy and blog names usually need to be catchy. BUT! Good ol' Wikipedia also had this:

Dana or Danah, in Arabic, means "the most perfectly sized, valuable and beautiful pearl". This name is used mainly by Arabs of the Persian Gulf, due to their traditional pearl diving professions wherein they gave different type of pearls names.

Of course I thought that was pretty neat, plus pearls are cool! And did you know that the history of swimming goggles dates back to the 14th century where Persians were described as using polished tortoise shells when diving for pearls? well now you do. :) Then I was thinking of things I like and colors and such and of course I'm all about peacock's lately (I'll be getting a peacock tattoo on my arm soon, I'll post a picture of my sketch at the end of this post).

So I was playing around with the words "peacock" and "pearl" and discovered there are actual "peacock pearls", go figure!

"A peacock pearl describes one of the most valued and sought after colours of a type of saltwater pearl called the Tahitian pearl, which are cultured in French Polynesia in the black-lipped oyster Pinctada margaritifera." 

well. spiffy!

and thus was born "The Peacock Pearl" bloggerredo name (that's an old word I just made up, in case you missed it). :)