Trudging Through Trauma Triggers

I'm not a writer, so I struggle to share the full depth of the things going on in my mind. But there are moments when things just have to come out and I force myself to not care what it sounds like. I'm trying to give myself the permission to BE in the moment and allow myself to process.

So I was just on facebook.
And I was going to respond to someone's random post asking for recommendations for something.
And in my thought process, as I prepared what to respond with, my thought jumped to something along the lines of "we're pretty like-minded". It wasn't like an actual thought you know, it was more like a subconscious knowing or affirmation, if that makes sense. but then it jumped to an actual sort of wishful thought and then tears. This happened a couple weeks ago when someone else posted about something they were organizing and I just thought it was so beautiful and exciting, and then WHAM, tears... because the next level of thought process was lying just beneath the surface and that, my friends, is an ocean of trauma. 

ugh, that sounds so pathetic.

You know how you watch a movie and there comes a part where you're like, "IF THEY WOULD JUST SAY SOMETHING IT WOULD ALL BE BETTER". but of course then you wouldn't be able to fill 2 hours worth of comical misunderstandings, am I right? But some things are just so so so difficult to say.

Things like... I was hurt. Things like... I was hurt at the church I attended... and it still affects me. It's like tiny little threads of fungus that attach to ALL the things around it. 

It's hard because it can come across as blame, but it's not blame, it just is what it is. And the word "hurt" just doesn't really convey the overall experience either. I think that's why people may not always understand "church hurt" cause it's not like hammering your thumb or even stubbing your toe... it's like a constant rubbing that, well, sorta surprises you yourself when it begins to hurt because it's not sudden. My experience simply was what it was, and still there are ripples that can sometimes build into waves and crash into me when I absolutely least expect it. Like responding to a random facebook post lol. Other times there are waves of guilt. Guilt from my mistakes. Guilt from the things I couldn't make right. Guilt from not being different or better. Guilt from the part I played in perpetuating things. Guilt that I didn't do enough to change things. Guilt over so. many. things.

What I've realized over the last 2 or 3 years is difficult to put into words mostly because it feels like no matter how i try to word it, it will come across like blame and accusation. I mean, how do you face things head on and work through them in order to heal without calling them what they are? In my head I know that in order to change something for the better, you have to shine a light on it and examine it and so on... but how do you do that without all the other stuff being attached. Does that makes sense? It's not that I think anybody INTENDED for any hurt or trauma, but I can't help but feel afraid or guilty that if I do say something, the intent will be assumed. I just don't want anyone else to feel bad. But I also don't want anyone else having to deal with the same stuff I did. It's a Catch 22.

And it's not even WHY we left, that's actually the funny part. We left because it was the clearest direction we had at the time. And I like control as much as the next guy, so I don't want people to assume it's why we left. It's simply what started coming to the surface once we did leave, but to address it now can feel pointless and messy. It's just layers of messy. 

What I DO know is that I don't have the answers. I'm still trying to work through so much stupid junk that more often than not I just don't want to deal with it and I have to put it away for a while and just live. But today, I needed to just sit in it and be ok with not being ok I guess. 

In other semi-related growth, I attended an online workshop for a vocal coaching program and the guy said something absolutely profound for me. It was that singing is just crying and that means you have to be vulnerable to sing well. Hearing that took me to the trauma level in a different way... remembering how I was sometimes viewed as not being vulnerable enough, and how even now, i'm struggling to be more vulnerable, but the realization hit me like a ton of bricks that I WAS vulnerable, just not the way I was expected to be. Every single time I got up on that stage and sang my heart out, I put myself and my passion and my emotions out there and always risked quite a few internal struggles being stirred up. I don't think people understand what it takes to do that. It's not just about having a pretty voice. I held nothing back (except what I was told to hold back, and I blame myself for that as well) and it wasn't enough. And the fact that it's so difficult to sing right now, just in my own home, isn't surprising. I have to be in a really good head space to sit at the piano and sing full out. At the same time, my whole body aches to lead worship again, but it also feels like I would have to step back into a cage. The cage of "give us what we want, not what you have to offer" and it's not worth it. It's not worth it. For me, it's like choosing to die by fire or drowning. It's impossible to choose. You simply have to pick which one is less painful in that moment, and right now, singing alone at home hurts, but not as much as it would to compromise and get back up on a stage again. I hope it's not always that way. I think it can be different, I truly do. But about 50 other things have to change, including me. I have to be strong enough to be vulnerable again. I have to know who I am so that I can confidently and lovingly release the expectations others place on me. 

So far to go and it feels like trudging through mud.

So hows your day lol?

Sourdough Experiment #2

Well, apparently it's been over a year since my last major sourdough experiment! It does NOT feel like it's been that long at all! Still, I've been wanting to find a good sandwich bread recipe, so of course it had to turn up through some spontaneous experimentation this weekend.

Here's the Recipe {and THEN you can read about how I got there if you're interested}.

600g starter (~2.5 cups)
25g water (25ml)
30g olive oil (30ml or ~2 Tbsp)
50g honey (50 ml or ~3 1/2 Tbsp)
1 egg
10 g salt (~2 tsp)
340g all purpose flour or bread flour (~2.5 cups)

• Mix all ingredients together till it just comes together. 
• Let it sit 30 minutes.
• Knead on medium with dough hook for 10 minutes. (It's a sticky dough but it should pull away from the bowl.) Or mix by hand with a
• Cover with a tea towel and let rise till doubled (time will depend on temperature of your kitchen, I'm in east Texas and mine takes about 2 to 2.5 hours right now)
• Punch dough, and pull out onto lightly floured counter.
• Split into two pieces and lightly sprinkle tops with flour.
• Pat gently into a rectangle.
• Fold sides in thirds, then shape into loaf using a gently stretching-roll motion from the top working your way down.
• Place in a loaf pan greased with ~1 tsp coconut oil, seam side down.
• Repeat with second half of dough.
• Let rise till doubled in size (mine takes 3-4 hours). Check dough with finger poke test.
• Bake at 375 for 30 minutes.
• Immediately turn loaf over onto a cooling rack and cover with a tea towel until cool. 

So earlier this week I had started a loaf of traditional bread when I saw that Amber's Kitchen on Instagram had posted her new sourdough sandwich bread recipe. I took a quick look at the added ingredients which were some oil, some honey and an egg and thought to myself, "ok, so its basically an enriched dough. Oh, what the heck"... so even though her flour and water and starter measurements weren't anywhere near mine (she was making 3 loaves and well, I was only going to make one big loaf), I just decided to trust my gut on the amounts and just go for it (even though my dough had already been rising for about 30 minutes.) So I squeezed in some honey, glugged in some olive oil and threw in an egg. Crazy, I know, but a few hours and a couple of loaves later, it was a success!


Of course the problem was I hadn't measured anything, but at least I had jotted down some quick notes. So this weekend I decided to try and replicate what I had done and made sure to measure along the way, and BINGO! I hit the jackpot!

Now... I'm a little bit of an outlier when it comes to sourdough, it just doesn't make sense to wait for MORE flour and water to ferment after I've already waited for the starter to do the exact same thing. So for my traditional loaf I use a higher ratio of starter than most. My "perfect" loaf size is 400g starter, 320g flour, 120g water, 8 grams salt. BUT on the day I threw in the extra ingredients I had REALLY gone crazy and upped it to 600g of starter!! Again with the crazy!! All that to say, this sandwich recipe is based off of that double crazy experiment and when I replicated it today, well... let's just say it was worthy of a blog post.




Now it's totally ok if my recipe is not your cup of tea, just like other recipes I've tried aren't mine. I'm mostly just here to tell you that you should definitely experiment and make tweaks along the way until you find what you like!!! And when we cut into the loaf on the right tomorrow morning (a quick stab at a cinnamon raisin version) I'll let you know how that one turned out too!

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For those really interested and still learning how to navigate starter feeding and baking times, this was my time table...

9:30pm Fed starter

9:00 am Started dough.
9:30 am First rise begins.
11:45 am First Rise complete. Shaped dough.
3:30 pm Preheat Oven.
4 pm Second rise complete. Baked dough.
5:45 pm ATE IT WITH DINNER! ;)

You Have Permission

Large gatherings have a valuable place in our lives... and I'm fairly certain that most folks are really starting to miss them even more so and appreciate the important role they play.

And yet, these days especially, it's beyond easy to find a number of streaming classes, services, concerts... everything. It's almost overwhelming, as if we didn't already have every option available to us for purchase, now a large portion of it is FREE!

If we're not careful, all this availability can easily fall into passive learning. We still end up staring at a screen and not actively doing something. I caught myself starting to do this yesterday... I pulled out a canvas to paint after watching some videos the night before. The day was drawing to a close and I watched more painting videos, haha! So, needless to say, I am currently having to force myself to NOT watch another video until I actually paint something!!!

Don't get me wrong, my kiddos are still very much playing Minecraft and taking advantage of Disney plus in the evenings. But I'm also having to be careful not to throw every online opportunity in their direction... "here watch this free theatre class and this dance class and this art class and this and this and this". I need to remember that they have plenty of things they can self-cultivate without having to watch another video every 30 minutes.

It's not the easiest to say "no" to free and readily available things. Sometimes we just have to focus back in a little bit and utilize the fact that we can still learn through self-practice and from each other. I realize that not everyone is surrounded by 4 kids and a spouse, so I can't speak into your exact experience right now, I can only speak to mine. We happen to be a homeschool family all of the time, so while this season is definitely a bit strange for us, it's not that entirely different from our normal routine. But, I'd like to share an encouragement that's more from our recent past experience than from our current situation regarding church gatherings.

I've been through the stop-cold-turkey in attendance, and I've been through a couple years of navigating what life looks like without the weekly services. I want you to know its been a bumpy road but it's been a good thing. I'm not saying it's for everyone and I'm definitely not saying church gatherings are evil and should be stopped. I'm saying... a season of family teaching family, family discipling family, confessing with family, worshipping with family can be a really good thing.

Its a good time to remember that spiritual gifts are not just found in your church leadership, they are found in your very own home. This is a wonderful time to cultivate the gifts you have; to grow in them in a way that won't happen when surrounded by others who are often appointed to work that gift for you. The thing is, our gifts though they might fall into certain categories (shepherd, apostle, prophet, teacher, evangelist), are going to be manifested differently through each individual personality, experience and context, and that makes each individual person vital to the whole church body regardless of age, gender or position. It's important that we are all continually growing in our gifts and at the same time strengthening others in their gift AND in ours. We can each be versed in all the gifts and we can learn this from each other. The gifts aren't given to simply have one person be the best at that gift, but to invest it into others so they can function in that area as well. We should always be replaceable. We should always be working to equip others to do what we do well and learn from others what they do well.

The way many churches function doesn't necessarily make it impossible, but it certainly makes it more difficult, to avoid the tendency to rely on a handful of individuals for everything. Sometimes, in the name of "being prepared" or "properly trained first" we hold off on releasing folks to function in their still developing gifts. Gifts are constantly being developed, though... there's no official line or mark of readiness. Everyone who steps into a gift constantly make mistakes and will constantly learn new things from them. I'm here to tell you that right here, right now, you have been released to function in your gift. You have permission to do what the Lord has been calling you to do despite not having a position or a title. You don't need a title or position, (and of course you don't actually need my permission) you just need to obey Christ teachings and walk in the power of the Holy Spirit right where you are.

If you've ever been on a short term missions trip, you'll know how it is; you get thrust into a small group of people and spend almost every waking hour with them and then together you get thrust into situations you're not normally in and you're basically forced to do what needs to be done. Yes, you have leadership walking you through some stuff, I'm not saying get rid of leadership at all, I'm saying that leadership should push you out of the nest and then support you in that experience. And what usually comes out of a time of short term missions? Often, you come home empowered to walk in a gift you may have discovered was waiting to burst out given a chance... and maybe you come home realizing you were relying on others for certain things that you had the ability to do all along... you got thrust out of the nest of constant care and were forced to do the work yourself. This is what the work of the church and the equipping of the saints can look like, but this often what the church often fails at doing (is there such a thing as helicopter churching?!). Not intentionally by any means, but simple because we're good at organizing things to function well, but then they function so well that it's hard to allow it to be a little awkward and grow a little wild.

In a time where every resource is available to you, books and podcasts and commentaries and worship albums and so on... don't feel guilty or be afraid to take this time to say no to all the extra stuff for a good bit of time and simplify to just you and the word, or your family and the word. I'm not saying DON't watch you live-streaming church service, that's just silly. What I am saying is don't let that be all there is if you do. Just go for it... read the Word together cover to cover, I know you have the time and yes, even all the "boring" or "weird" parts! Pray the Word. Sing the Word. Speak the Word. If you're going to obey the teachings, you have to know them, not just what someone else says about them. If you rest in and spend time with the heart of God, your heart WILL be transformed.

Also, be encouraged... it will NOT look like a service designed for a large group. Trying to copy one just leads to awkwardness and boredom quite frankly. Let it be simple. Let it be genuine. Let it be flexible. Let it be creative. Let it be functional. Let it be what the Spirit leads it to be and see what happens!

and we're back

Today we are officially back into the swing of school and routine. We semi-tried to do so last week, but the week ended up feeling more like waking up after a long nap and feeling groggy for a while, know what I mean?
That was partly due to the fact that 3 of us spent last weekend in Dallas so that Micah could attend 2 auditions for summer dance intensives. She did extremely well considering she was sick the two weeks before, and still recovering, meaning she had zero dance prep and low energy. The extra surprise was that normally a class has about 45 minutes of flat work and the rest will be en pointe, and an audition is just a class that's run by the auditioning company so they can see what you can do. NOPE. This one, Micah's first intensive audition ever, was ALL EN POINTE! That's 1.5 hours of pointe, when she normally does no more than 1 to 1.5 hours a WEEK! And again, she hadn't danced for two weeks. It wasn't easy, but she pushed through. And then pushed through again for the next audition the next day. Thankfully that second class was more of what she's used to and wasn't complete torture lol. We ended up asking the gentleman who ran the class what level he would put that first class at, his response, "HIGH! Very high. They told me to give them a hard class and I did." Yeah basically she's a beast.
Then we started the week off with a long assessment of where she is health-wise with my good friend who is a Naturopath. Lots and lots of inflammation throughout her body is just making it extra difficult to recover from all the things. So she's on a restrictive menu to reduce inflammation and quite a few supplements to help her body heal fully. That takes an amazing amount of brain function to keep up with and that's about all I had room for for the week.
I've also still been limited in what I can do because of a wrist injury Christmas eve, and not being able to do certain things has made my brain super foggy. Blech! It hasn't felt like a nice start to a new year, but I DID get to start my Texas Master Gardener Classes on Thursday! We learned about soil testing and how all the minerals and ph effect what you're growing, etc. It was very helpful! I really like that they are community focused and I've always wanted to help start up community gardens, especially in a food desert like south Longview. I'd love to have one as a part of a tea shop someday as well!
Almost forgot, we also ended up driving to Houston on Saturday because Annabelle's pointe shoes were completely dead and the best fitters we've found are in Houston.
I spent most of yesterday afternoon decluttering my desk and dresser and cleaning the bathroom, which has helped me feel a little less overwhelmed for the start of a new week. We'll see how long that lasts lol!