I'm not a writer, so I struggle to share the full depth of the things going on in my mind. But there are moments when things just have to come out and I force myself to not care what it sounds like. I'm trying to give myself the permission to BE in the moment and allow myself to process.
So I was just on facebook.
And I was going to respond to someone's random post asking for recommendations for something.
And in my thought process, as I prepared what to respond with, my thought jumped to something along the lines of "we're pretty like-minded". It wasn't like an actual thought you know, it was more like a subconscious knowing or affirmation, if that makes sense. but then it jumped to an actual sort of wishful thought and then tears. This happened a couple weeks ago when someone else posted about something they were organizing and I just thought it was so beautiful and exciting, and then WHAM, tears... because the next level of thought process was lying just beneath the surface and that, my friends, is an ocean of trauma.
ugh, that sounds so pathetic.
You know how you watch a movie and there comes a part where you're like, "IF THEY WOULD JUST SAY SOMETHING IT WOULD ALL BE BETTER". but of course then you wouldn't be able to fill 2 hours worth of comical misunderstandings, am I right? But some things are just so so so difficult to say.
Things like... I was hurt. Things like... I was hurt at the church I attended... and it still affects me. It's like tiny little threads of fungus that attach to ALL the things around it.
It's hard because it can come across as blame, but it's not blame, it just is what it is. And the word "hurt" just doesn't really convey the overall experience either. I think that's why people may not always understand "church hurt" cause it's not like hammering your thumb or even stubbing your toe... it's like a constant rubbing that, well, sorta surprises you yourself when it begins to hurt because it's not sudden. My experience simply was what it was, and still there are ripples that can sometimes build into waves and crash into me when I absolutely least expect it. Like responding to a random facebook post lol. Other times there are waves of guilt. Guilt from my mistakes. Guilt from the things I couldn't make right. Guilt from not being different or better. Guilt from the part I played in perpetuating things. Guilt that I didn't do enough to change things. Guilt over so. many. things.
What I've realized over the last 2 or 3 years is difficult to put into words mostly because it feels like no matter how i try to word it, it will come across like blame and accusation. I mean, how do you face things head on and work through them in order to heal without calling them what they are? In my head I know that in order to change something for the better, you have to shine a light on it and examine it and so on... but how do you do that without all the other stuff being attached. Does that makes sense? It's not that I think anybody INTENDED for any hurt or trauma, but I can't help but feel afraid or guilty that if I do say something, the intent will be assumed. I just don't want anyone else to feel bad. But I also don't want anyone else having to deal with the same stuff I did. It's a Catch 22.
And it's not even WHY we left, that's actually the funny part. We left because it was the clearest direction we had at the time. And I like control as much as the next guy, so I don't want people to assume it's why we left. It's simply what started coming to the surface once we did leave, but to address it now can feel pointless and messy. It's just layers of messy.
What I DO know is that I don't have the answers. I'm still trying to work through so much stupid junk that more often than not I just don't want to deal with it and I have to put it away for a while and just live. But today, I needed to just sit in it and be ok with not being ok I guess.
In other semi-related growth, I attended an online workshop for a vocal coaching program and the guy said something absolutely profound for me. It was that singing is just crying and that means you have to be vulnerable to sing well. Hearing that took me to the trauma level in a different way... remembering how I was sometimes viewed as not being vulnerable enough, and how even now, i'm struggling to be more vulnerable, but the realization hit me like a ton of bricks that I WAS vulnerable, just not the way I was expected to be. Every single time I got up on that stage and sang my heart out, I put myself and my passion and my emotions out there and always risked quite a few internal struggles being stirred up. I don't think people understand what it takes to do that. It's not just about having a pretty voice. I held nothing back (except what I was told to hold back, and I blame myself for that as well) and it wasn't enough. And the fact that it's so difficult to sing right now, just in my own home, isn't surprising. I have to be in a really good head space to sit at the piano and sing full out. At the same time, my whole body aches to lead worship again, but it also feels like I would have to step back into a cage. The cage of "give us what we want, not what you have to offer" and it's not worth it. It's not worth it. For me, it's like choosing to die by fire or drowning. It's impossible to choose. You simply have to pick which one is less painful in that moment, and right now, singing alone at home hurts, but not as much as it would to compromise and get back up on a stage again. I hope it's not always that way. I think it can be different, I truly do. But about 50 other things have to change, including me. I have to be strong enough to be vulnerable again. I have to know who I am so that I can confidently and lovingly release the expectations others place on me.
So far to go and it feels like trudging through mud.
So hows your day lol?
