permission to grieve

everyone has their own story.

this is mine.

364 days out of the year i try not to define myself by my past. i'm strong and move forward. i try to see the positive side. i focus on a plethora of blessings. i try to live forgiveness and i try to grow. it's not always easy, but usually it's relatively doable.

but there's always that one day.

and it always hits me like a ton of bricks.

and i always seem to forget that it's going to hit me like a ton of bricks.


sometimes i'm just flat out cranky. sometimes sad. sometimes bitter. sometimes i have no words. sometimes i pretend i'm great. sometimes i feel rejected. sometimes i feel forgotten. sometimes i cry. sometimes i hold it in. sometimes i want to drive off. sometimes i want to drink. sometimes i want to forget. sometimes i just want to sit in silence. sometimes i want to be alone. sometimes i feel alone. sometimes i want to be surrounded by my friends. sometimes i wish things had been different. sometimes i want to scream. sometimes i want to run. sometimes i get anxious. sometimes i panic. sometimes i ignore it. sometimes i feel guilty. sometimes i feel selfish.

what i realized this year... is that even if i can make it through the one day... if i don't let myself feel all the feels there are to feel (also known as grieving)... it'll still come bite me in the butt days or weeks later. i can't escape it.

and i've decided it's time to stop trying to escape... stop trying to be strong. stop trying to act like it doesn't effect me. it's time to give myself permission to grieve and simply let another layer of the wound be exposed... so it can heal.

the specifics don't matter. i'm sure many, if not all of us, have a day, or an experience, or an event, or a person that we have to deal with every so often. and i hope you can give yourself permission to work through it however you  need to work through it. i hope you can face it head on and let yourself be vulnerable to the pain AND the healing.

and that's all i have to say about that.