want. need. anxiety.

it's amazing how easily and how quickly a simple comparison can change your definition of "want" to "need".

i gave samuel a math placement test to see where to start him in a different curriculum. since we cut off the school year rather abruptly because of buying/selling houses, he didn't get as far as i would have liked, but he tested to a certain book and i happen to have that book, so that's good. but i don't have the solution manual or the test & worksheet book, and since it's an older version i'm not sure if they still offer those things for this version.

so i started looking around at the current version of this text and of course i already know that we can't buy any school materials right now, but i kept looking, thinking maybe if i just found one site that had it low enough then i could figure something out.

serveral minutes later i notice my leg bouncing (ya know that nervous bounce) and my heart rate going a little faster and a little anxiety starting to build within. before i knew it, i was just focused on finding this newer version with everything i needed to go with it and i was realizing how impossible it was becoming.... so i paused and bowed my head.

but i didn't pray that some miracle would take place and i'd magically get this curriculum kit. i halfway did, for just a split second... but prayer isn't magic. no instead i prayed that i would trust the Lord. and that i would be content with what's available to me. there are a million and one resources out there for math. and they will do just fine. i do not "need" the curriculum kit. i have what i "need" and its ok if i don't get what i "want".

and now, wonder of wonders... there's peace again. bye bye anxiety. my situation did not change. but my perspective has been realigned.

how often does this happen in other areas of my life? your life? whether its an outfit, a car, a house or anything that we begin to covet (defined as "yearn to posses or have). we don't' need to spend hours on our knees praying for things to magically appear, or problems to magically be solved, or our covetous wishes to be granted. that is not the purpose of prayer. we need to spend time with the Father so that our heart, our thoughts, our desires, and our perspective become one with His. so that our yearning is fixed on the Creator, His purposes and His ways.

Whirlwind of a Month

i honestly can't remember the details...

everything has become quite blurred in my mind's eye due to an endless sea of boxes...

but here goes...

WE ARE IN OUR HOUSE!!!!

ok that's all that really matters. we're in. we love it. and we definitely have to get rid of a LOT. MORE. STUFF. sheesh. I'm pretty sure our oldest daughter has to get rid of the most since she went from having her own room to sharing with her two sisters.

but the kids love this house. they love the neighborhood too. new and old friends really makes it worth it for them.

my favorite part is probably how sunny and bright it is throughout most of the day. and i do love the hardwood floors. i really do think the size is perfect for our family.

the hardest part is probably that i want everything to be in its place, but that's just going to take some time and i have to remind myself that its ok if it's not done right away. :P

the other tough part has been not having a fridge. especially at a time when we really have to watch our spending and i've basically had to grocery shop every day or two because the mini-fridge we're using just won't hold enough for a family of six. buuuut after a few weeks of waiting, it has arrived and man, do i appreciate it!!

aside from quite a few boxes everywhere, the house is definitely livable. still not sure where some stuff is. but we're definitely getting there.

i would just like to say, that for anyone thinking it would be too hard to downsize, you really ought to consider it. :) obviously different families have different needs and so forth, but if you find yourself overwhelmed by the amount of house and stuff you have to keep up with, just let some of it go... or a lot of it! it's quite refreshing. even in the midst of our moving chaos there are moments of stillness and quiet where i pause and realize that the simplicity of things helps me be more aware of the blessings around. i hope we keep this trend move forward and keep getting rid of things that weigh us down.

don't get me wrong, i've had some "break down" moments too, especially when trying to work with the kids in their time of adjustment. and then i tend to get frustrated that some things are even an issue because i see that it's the selfishness of this world and more specifically our american culture that's staring me in the face, and it's because i've taught it to them and its so deeply infused in my own thinking and actions.

and there have been other moments of some fear and trepidation as we face a tight (but still extremely blessed) budget, as in the school year won't start out with "perfectly" new crayons and map pencils and notebooks, but we have more than enough supplies to last a couple years. and we cancelled our netflix account but the kids have been playing more games together and enjoying neighborhood friends. and we didn't go "out" for the traditional frozen yogurt for our daughters birthday but we still had some from the store at a fraction of the price. and we didn't get her a present, but she had a friend over and all the kids laughed a wonderfully care free laugh at an old movie and cheered over late night cheap pizza...thank you little Caesars lol. and selling the hubby's car couldn't have come at a better time to help cover fixing the van (and the car itself) and stuff for the old house that still hasn't sold (pray it sells!!). but see what i mean, we are still so blessed and still have SO much.

and i'm reminded of the Lord's grace in all of this.

and i'm reminded that He is for us.

and i'm reminded why we've put ourselves in this position. and i wouldn't want it any other way.

and i think psalm 119:32 words it perfectly, "I will run the course of your commandments. For You shall enlarge my heart"