What I Long For.

Not sure why this is difficult to post. But it is.


I'm longing for a church/gathering...

Where BOTH men AND women lead and actively contribute together, giving a more balanced and complete view of theology.

Where BOTH the young AND old teach, encourage, and disciple one another.

Where the artist, the engineer, the poet, the teacher, the singer, the musician, the college student, the dancer, the scientist, the middle school trombone player, and all the "regular" folks alike, contribute to worship in word, in song and in generosity and sacrifice.

Where you can't tell who makes minimum wage and who makes 6 figures because BOTH are esteemed, valued, sought after and fought for.

Where families don't necessarily look alike.

Where love and relationship overcome stereotypes, fear and concern for personal safety.

Where corporate discussion and lament of past and present suffering isn't ignored or glossed over, but leads to repentance and to forgiveness and healing and to thanksgiving and praise.

Where Christ is the head (Not schedules. Not a president. Not a business plan. Not a "good idea". Not a random book.) and the Spirit empowers and leads his people to proclaim the gospel in word and deed.

Where difficult questions are welcomed and "I don't know" is an acceptable answer.

Where sound-bites aren't repeated for the sake of a laugh or an "amen", and scripture is read in full and not taken out of context for the sake of making a point.

Where BOTH the Old AND New testament are treasured and taught.

Where all of the world's cultures and customs are appreciated and learned from, and elitism and nationalism is confronted.

Sourdough Experiment Success!

I LOVE MY SOURDOUGH STARTER!

It's a tough little beast. I had totally neglected it for several weeks in the fridge (which I have done many time before) but it's always just a happy little monster after I feed it.

Of course I just can't bare to toss any of it, so I am always looking for ways to use it in recipes. This Sourdough crumpets recipe is by far the best use of starter EVER... just add sugar, baking soda and salt to the starter and boom! We double the batch for our family and it makes a lovely afternoon snack with a hot cup of tea!

Generally, I pull my starter out of the fridge, use a couple cups for crumpets, and then feed what's left. I'll do a second feeding 12ish hours later (depending on how warm it is in the house), let it sit for a couple hours and then put it back in the fridge until I need it again.

Here's the stinky part, anytime I want to make sourdough BREAD, I always have my timing off. It's a long process and its pretty annoying when you realize you'll have to do a certain step smack dab in the middle of the night. Another thing that bugs me is that most recipes tell you to feed the starter once or twice and then you measure the ingredients... which is starter, flour, water and salt. then you have to wait some more. But here's the thing... starter is just flour and water... so essentially i'm feeding it AGAIN and waiting AGAIN and well...



via GIPHY

So I searched the world wide webs to see if I could find a recipe that only adds flour and salt. Why, you ask? Here's some math for ya...

*If you don't want to think about numbers or don't care about the reasoning behind why I chose the ratio I chose, you can skip past the following indented portion!*

Let's start with a really really basic sourdough recipe for arguments sake. The ratio is basically 1:2:3 grams of starter:water:flour and then the salt is about 2% of the flour [practically that looks like this-100g(starter):200g(water):300g(flour):6g(salt)].  

But when you think about it, really the starter is already equal parts of flour and water, so what you basically have is 5:7 water:flour, which would practically look like 250g(water):350g(flour):6g(salt), it's just that some of it is already fermented.... but what if most of it was fermented already? 

So using that thinking I actually wanted to try this ratio 500g(starter):100g(flour):6g(salt). Do you see what I did there? Instead of adding more water and even more flour, I just increased the starter to replace the increase of flour and water and just added the extra bit of flour that would be needed for an actual dough. 

Well, I couldn't find any recipe where someone had done this, so I figured I was either crazy to try this, or people had already tried this and failed so I just shouldn't question the ratios out there. But I just couldn't get it out of my mind. So using the ACTUAL ratios of a recipe I've made before (300g:250g:500g:10g) I just decided to go for it and try substituting the equal parts of flour and water for starter (800g starter:250g water:10g salt). I didn't want to use up a ton of ingredients on a bad experiment though, so my actual numbers were 480g of starter to 150g of flour to 6g salt. A 600-ish gram loaf of bread is a decent size, not too small and not too big, so that's why I went with those numbers if you were wondering.

So, believe it or not, the hardest part was deciding on the actual process! Essentially, I was cutting out the majority of the first proof and risking that the bread would become too sour too quickly somewhere along the way. So I just thought through a couple different processes and the reasons behind them, and here's what I ended up with...

1. Autolyse- Mix 480g of sourdough starter and 150 g Organic AP flour into a sticky dough (about 2 minutes using a fork). Cover with plastic wrap and let rest for 30 minutes.

*Autolyse is just a fancy word that means letting the flour hydrate and form some gluten while you sit and drink some tea*

2. 1st Rise- Sprinkle salt over dough and mix/fold into dough to distribute evenly. Cover and let rest another 30 minutes.

3. Shape/Bulk Fermentation-  turn dough onto lightly floured surface and shape according to preference. Place in heavily floured baneton. Seal inside a plastic bag and set in the fridge for 16 hrs.

*I originally planned for 12 hours, but that was middle of the night timing, so I decided in my sleepiness to just let it go till closer to morning, thus the 16 hrs*

4. Proof & Preheat- Set on counter for 3 hours. After 2.5 hours, preheat oven and dutch oven to 500F.

5. Bake- "Finger-poke test" the dough. If ready, then turn dough into preheated dutch oven and slit the top of the dough. Set lid on top and generously mist water into dutch oven before closing the lid all the way. Bake 30 minutes. Reduce temp to 450 and remove lid. Mist dough again and bake until dark golden brown (time varies with size, but this loaf took another 9 minutes).

6. Cool & Serve- Turn bread onto cooling rack and listen to the beautiful crackling as it cools. Slice, butter generously and devour!

AND THE VERDICT IS....

It turned out wonderfully! It wasn't too sour. The crust was perfectly crispy and the inside perfectly soft. The bottom was a little darker than I would have liked, and I'll have to trouble shoot through that, but otherwise it was outstanding!!

Now the real question... did it actually save me "time and effort"?

The whole process took about 22 hours... but really it was only like 15-20 minutes of actual "work". Overall I feel really good about it and will definitely have to try out a more regular sized loaf and see how it goes!

FINAL NOTES:

• If you decide to try this, "listen" to your dough and your starter! Your house temp may be different than mine (it's getting cooler right now so our house is around 73 degrees with the heat on) and that will affect the starter and the dough. 
• Also, I can't remember what time I actually fed my starter before using it for this recipe, but I do know that it looked and smelled great, had plenty of bubbles and wasn't deflating. :) 
• In terms of percentages, this recipe is simply 75% starter, 24% flour, 1% salt. Call me crazy! I think most recipes use 25% starter, but then again, I honestly don't know if that's 25% of the total or baker's percentage or what. The basic ratio is 80g starter: 25g flour: 1g salt. 
• My starter is a 100% hydration starter (meaning I feed the starter with equal weights, not volume, of flour and water)

My Political Statement

I acknowledge that I did not dictate nor was I ever remotely capable of inducing the beginning of my life and therefore desire to behave in a manner worthy of the great gift that was given to me and will promote and protect the regard and worth of that same gift in all others.

"Love your neighbor as yourself"

I will not utilize name calling, jokes or insults of any kind to be directed at those whose perspective is different than mine, in real life or on social media. I will not stereotype, belittle or undermine another person's viewpoint based on their affiliated political party, church denomination, career, location, lifestyle, financial status, gender or ethnicity; instead I will seek to have face to face conversations with people in my local community, as well as the global community, in order to grow in compassion, knowledge and understanding of the history, experience and perspective of others.

Because at the end of the day, you may be voting for the "right" thing, "right" reason or "right" candidate, but if you're heartless to others in the process, it's not funny, it's not wise, it's not beneficial, it's not productive, it's not loving and you blaspheme everything you supposedly stand for.

Out in the Open.

Somewhere along the way I lost my "voice".

Funny thing is, I have a hard time believing I ever really had one to begin with... it's always felt muffled, as if someone was holding a pillow over my face. When I tried to speak up, what I had to say was never truly heard, instead it was the tone in which I said it, or how bad the timing was of what I said, or the emotion I had too much of while saying it, or the age at which I said it,... anything to skirt the issue of what I had actually said.

And over time, my "voice" became synonymous with "who" I was.

So, over the years, I learned to convince myself over and over that any perceived injustice or suppression or impossible expectation I may have experienced was just a figment of my imagination. I gave the benefit of the doubt so often in the name of "grace" and overlooking wrong that in the end the only one I blamed of wrongdoing was me, and I constantly needed to seek forgiveness for it from others and endlessly begged God to help me change. I was too sensitive. I was too strong. I was too harsh. I was too flirty. I was too aloof. I was too direct. I was too vague. I was too emotional. I was too much of everything a woman shouldn't be, and not enough of everything a woman should. And in certain circles, it usually meant that anything I had to say, anything I stood for, was not valid, not true, or simply not worth considering. But was this because of other people's perception and expectations of me? Was it my perceptions and expectations of myself? Was it both?

I've been wrestling with this for a good while now, and I can sense that there's still quite a bit more wrestling to come. After walking away from some circles of influence and releasing myself to really examine and almost re-experience previous hurts and shame and guilt, this is where I've landed. I'm left standing here looking around, trying to get my bearings and as the dust starts to settle, I look at myself and I can't help but wonder who I actually am. What do these bones and muscles and organs amount to? Is this creature "me"? Or is it what others have piled onto me? Is everything that I am a reflection of what others insist I am. Is it a rebellion of what others insist I be? Is it simply me?

It's remarkably difficult to explain, and I wish I were at the other end of this transition season instead of smack in the middle of what sometimes feels like the twilight zone. I've attempted to write things out on numerous occasions to give a picture of what's been going on to help me process everything and also in the hope that it might help or encourage someone else, but it's just been so jumbly-bumbly at times, and quite honestly feels extremely wasteful and selfish to "self" examine so dang much, that I don't know what to write other than these confusing ramblings and wonderings.

Yet at the same time, as I'm studying and seeking and wrestling, I can feel some new places starting to come alive in me. It's as if I can see the old skin and muscles starting to loosen and shake while underneath I feel the new tissue forming. Ooh, kind of like the blind man in the book of Acts, when the scales fell from his eyes... the old skin that covered blind eyes needed to be living and pliable for seeing eyes, and the old, dry stuff got pushed off and tossed away.

So now, what's left out in the open of "me" is a mind that is in awe of the Lord's patience and justice towards his people, especially as we read through Jeremiah; a heart that is stirred to tears of joy and excitement as I read Acts 10 and see promises fulfilled; an ear that continually hungers to recognize the voice of God and another that still hears too much of the the world around; arms that were emptied and now ache to embrace others fully; hands that desire to make and give something beautiful; legs that love to dance and celebrate; feet that long to go and do; and a soul that strives to rest into his burden.

Sometimes it hard for us to understand long periods of transition when we live in such an instantaneous world; in less than a day we can be halfway around the world. So it's good for me to recall how God seemed to instigate and utilize long seasons of travel, or imprisonment, or wandering, in the lives of his people in order to shape and form them and to prepare them for what lay ahead. So my hope is that in the past year and however much time lies ahead, I might be pliable clay in the hands of the potter during this season, and that what He forms will point to Him and others will say, "Look at what the Lord has done!".

I am a woman

I am a woman.
what does that mean?

be feminine.
don't be masculine.
be discreet.
be gentle.
dress like a woman.
but don't dress in a way that points out that you're a woman.
but be a woman.
don't be a man.
except if you get the chance to lead.
don't lead like a woman.
lead like a man.
don't be passionate.
don't be compassionate.
don't be emotional.
but stay a woman.
don't be honest.
don't ask questions.
don't have an opinion. 
don't talk like a man.
but if you want to be heard, talk like a man, but not like a man.
be gentle and respectful.
don't be direct.
don't take anything personally.
don't get defensive.
don't get upset.
don't sound upset.
smile when you're overlooked.
smile when you're overlooked again.
smile when you're overlooked again.
laugh when a man cracks a joke about women.
laugh when "like a girl" is used as an insult toward a man.
hold your head up high.
but don't be too confident.
be straightforward in a roundabout way.
lead women and children, not men.
you are not a man.
be like a man.
don't be too affectionate.
don't hug.
don't love.
don't weep.
don't feel.
don't comfort.
don't be a woman.
but be a woman.

the list of do's and don'ts.
it never ends.
and constantly changes.

I am a woman.
I am fierce.
I am strong.
I am soft.
I am bursting with ideas.
I am wise.
I am a mother.
I am hurt.
I am healed.
I am unsure.
I am determined.
I am creative.
I am passionate.
I am right.
I am not always right.
I am loved.
I am not alone.
I am beautiful.
I am compassionate.
I am emotional.
I am logical.
I am intelligent.
I am learning.
I am human.
I am valuable.
I am a woman.

It is what it is.

Its been a year since I stepped down from leading worship.

and its been two months since we basically sorta kinda "officially" left the church we've attended for 17 years... the kids still go to sunday school and youth to see friends.

its not at all awkward. o_0

I've tried more times than i can count to blog about things regarding both, and it's just something that isn't easy to write about. I still try because it's part of the process. but it's almost impossible to do... well it's impossible to do without someone else possibly being hurt or offended or misunderstanding or me miss-communicating. so maybe it's not impossible. maybe it's just really scary. and i just haven't found the words.

so this isn't a post ABOUT either... it's just a post sharing that I'm processing both of these things and it kinda sucks.

but the bright side of it is when dave and i talk late into the night and ask each other questions and share our thoughts. and also friends. friends who listen and journey with us patiently and lovingly.

3 little stories.

Scenario 1. a group of kids want to meet the president of the united states (imagine a fictitious president if you need too lol, I did). So they write him letters and invite him to visit their club cause they really want to meet him and experience his life, see what he's doing and observe how he works. They want to be like him someday. But his schedule is pretty booked for the next year, so they don't get to meet him.

Scenario 2. a group of kids wants to meet the president. They call around and find out he's going to be in Dallas for a weekend. So they ask if they can see what he's doing and how he works. So he says, "sure! Come to 1414 Roadway at 2pm", But their parents don't want to take them... it's too far and too expensive to drive the 2 hours to Dallas. And the traffic will be awful. And they'd have to ask for time off work. So they convince the kids that very few regular people get to meet the president... the picture they have of the president on their clubhouse wall is as close as most people get to the president.

Scenario 3. a group of kids wants to meet the president. they hear that he's going to be in Houston TODAY. they call him up and they ask if there's any way they can meet him. "He says, "Of Course! Meet me at 1515 highway Dr. at 4pm". Their parents don't want to take them, Houston is even further. But the kids continue to beg and plead, so the parents decide to send them on a bus; give the kids what they want and they don't have to be inconvenienced. The parents make sure to tell the kids not to do anything outside of what they're supposed to; ride the bus; take a taxi to the address, meet the president and then come straight home. So a couple hours later they're at a stop in Lufkin and a motorcade drives by. The kids immediately recognize that it's the president and they run to flag the driver down. 

"Mr. president, Mr president can we ride with you?". 

"Of course, but I must warn you, sometimes it's dangerous to ride with the president. People try to do terrible things to the leader of a nation, as well as the people closest to him. I promise you this though, I'll be right next to you the whole time."

This scares quite a few of the kids, they remember learning about Kennedy and Lincoln and other presidents and government officials that have been shot at. Plus, their parents would probably be upset if they change their plans without their permission and put themselves in danger. So most of them get back on the bus and stick with the plan. But one of the kids decides it would be crazy NOT to go with him, after all this is why they started their club to begin with, it's what they talk about at every meeting! But now he's alone cause his friends are on the bus. His parents will be upset he didn't follow their plan, but he remembers that they voted for him and he's heard them say he's a good and trustworthy and very powerful man. How could this be wrong?

He breathes in deeply, take the presidents hand and steps into the car.